I need to speak to a human. I’ve been in an endless loop for 10 hours.

First. Check their site here for official info on any possible local outages;

https://www.xfinity.com/support/status 

Use a cell phone internet service, a public WiFi hotspot, or a neighbor's internet if you need to in order to check it.

Or you can use their Xfinity App: https://www.xfinity.com/apps