Can't access account - "Thanks for your purchase We're getting your account set up..."

I've had service for almost a year and I'm so incredibly frustrated about not being able to get to my account online because I still get the message "Thanks for your purchase We're getting your account set up. Check back soon to track and activate your services." 

I've looked at other people's forum posts and followed all the tips to try to reset my account. I've called in many times (which is itself a huge struggle because the system kicks me out for not being "activated yet" or something, I have to go through the sales line and ask to be transferred) and nobody has been able to help me after 11 months.

Because of this I can only pay my bill over the phone, which is also a huge pain, and I've got dinged with late fees a couple times for forgetting.

Is there a single person at Comcast who can solve this?